So follows these simple instructions to guarantee that you will not be “working” any time soon:

The Handshake

When interviewer goes to shake your hand at the beginning of the interview smack it away, say, “I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me.” Then when he goes for the handshake again, smack it away.

Use Leverage

Say to owner of company, “I have compromising photos of you,” and when he asks where say, “In my mind.” Go for a high five.

Dung beetles are interesting subjects to study that provide a rich array of valuable data. One of the first things you notice when studying a Dung beetle over long periods of time is that no one likes them. And rightly so. For they are scavengers who survive on the waste of other animals. It is a vomitous, grotesque way to behave. To have them over for dinner, or at a cocktail party, would be a disaster.

Dung beetles in all likelihood used to eat plants like other animals, but they were so crappy that nobody would share any plants with them, so they turned to feces, and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if it kind of got them off. You can tell by their sneer that they are perverted animals. Dung beetles are the type of beetles that would watch your wife take a shower through a crack in the bathroom door. They are amoral nonsense creatures who don’t have anything better to do with their time than clean off their legs in a really annoying-looking way.

Dung beetles have a hard carapace that they use to defend themselves from predators, and probably to show off. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to come across a Dung beetle standing in front of a bunch of animals who didn’t have hard carapaces and talking about how great his carapace was. That I haven’t come across that exact scenario time and time again astounds me. Probably I haven’t because Dung beetles are great at hiding, just like child predators and Nazis. But that isn’t the only similarity between Scarabaeoidea (a.k.a. The Dung beetle) and the Nazis. Like the Nazis, Dung beetles are fascistic and believe in the violent elimination of other races so as to keep their bloodline pure. That is of course speculation on my part, but I nonetheless suspect it to definitively be the case.

Dung beetles are mysterious creatures, and little is known about them. Still, there are some things about them that are certain.

1. Dung beetles are the only known subspecies of insect that always goes to Hell when it dies.

2. If a Dung beetle got the chance, it would kill you and everyone you love.

3. Dung beetles think “Saved By the Bell: The New Class” was better than “Saved By The Bell.”

4. Nothing is worse than a Dung beetle.

5. The “magic bullet” that killed John F. Kennedy was actually a Dung beetle, fired from a HK-22 Bolt Action Sniper Rifle by another Dung Beetle.

So to help out our fellow ladies, the female staff members at Zombie Magazine are here to let you know if your special fella is “The One”, or just “The One Who’s Sleeping With You But Secretly Hates You.”

I sit my mother down on our patio with a box of Franzia wine in order to finally get her to admit that she is more proud of me than my younger brother, Seth Collins.

I will read her facial expression to determine if she is telling the truth or not, using the instruments and knowledge I have gleaned from the TV show “Lie to Me” (FOX, Mondays 8/7C)

Me: Hello, mother.

Mom: Stop talking like that, Penn.

Me: Why?  Does it bother you, Mother?

Mom:  Ugh.  Yes.  It’s really creepy.

Her gaze never breaks.  TRUE.

Me:  Here, have a drink and relax.

I toss the box of Franzia wine into her lap.

Mom:  Ow.  That hurt.  You don’t throw a cardboard box filled with a gallon of wine into someone’s lap.  And I’m not going to drink boxed wine.  It’s awful.

TRUE.  Franzia is awful.  And also TRUE about not throwing a box of Franzia into an unsuspecting person’s lap.   That’s crappy behavior.

Me: DO YOU LIKE ME MORE THAN SETH?

Mom:  (Unflinchingly calm) No.

Me:  So you like Seth more than me?

Mom:  (Still calm, making eye contact) No.

Me:  So you like us both the same?

Mom: Yes. I love different things about you, but I love you both equally and always will.

Me:  Aha!  You flinched when you said that.  Lying makes you uneasy.

Mom:  Penn, I had a mosquito on my arm.  I was swatting at it.

Me:  (Tears welling up) No you weren’t.  You were lying to me!!! Your own son!!!  Just tell me the truth.  Which part were you lying about?  The part about loving us both equally or the part about always loving us?  Are you going to stop loving us?  (Complete emotional breakdown.  Tears everywhere)

Mom:  No, honey.  I will always love you.

Me:  OH GOD!  YOUR LIP QUIVERED WHEN YOU SAID THAT.  YOU’VE ALREADY STOPPED LOVING ME.  I’M A STRANGER IN MY OWN CHILDHOOD HOME!!! (Crying harder than anyone has ever cried.  Wiping nose on shirt sleeve)

Mom:  I think I’ll take a glass of that crappy wine now.

Me:  AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, YOU’RE SHOWING SIGNS OF ALCOHOLISM!!!!

Mom:  No, I’m not.  And I can tell you’re lying when you say that?

Me:  (Collecting myself) How?  Do you watch “Lie to Me” (FOX, Mondays 8/7C) too?

Mom:  No. Your fingers are crossed.

Me:  No.  They’re not. You’re lying again, I can tell by your fluctuating timbre!

Mom:  Penn, your hand is clearly resting on the table and your fingers are crossed.

Me:  But my toes are crossed too, which undoes the hand part!

Mom:  You’re not crossing your toes, Penn.  Stop lying.

Me:  (Going from sadness to curiosity) How can you tell?

Mom:  Well, you’re wearing Aqua Socks, so you wouldn’t even be able to cross your toes if you wanted to.  Where did you even get those?  Do they still make those?

Me:  eBay.

Mom:  I can tell you’re telling the truth.  Thanks for being honest.

Me:  I got snot on my sleeve.

Mom:  Yeah, I think I like Seth better.

No sign of crossed fingers.  TRUE.

“Lie to Me” airs on Mondays at 8pm/7pm Central on FOX

Detective Munch: Plates soaking in the sink. She probably made him dinner.

August 23, 2010

August 19, 2010

August 17, 2010

August 4, 2010

Detective Stabler: You prayed with your rapist!

July 30, 2010

Captain Cragen: I know one man’s pain is another man’s pleasure, but she wasn’t spanked to death.

July 29, 2010

Detective Tutuola: You had sex with your pants on?

July 28, 2010

Dr. Melinda Warner: Victim’s head, right arm and left leg were found in a car.
Detective Stabler: Well dismemberment’s not a sex crime.
Dr. Melinda Warner: This one might be. Found traces of semen in her throat.
Detective Fin Tutuola: Didn’t even let her gargle.

July 27, 2010

Randolph Morrow: Honey, I’d like a mineral water, no ice.
Detective Benson: And I’d like your balls in a blender, but ain’t life a bitch.

July 26, 2010

Captain Cragen: “…since when is oral sex not sex?”

July 16, 2010

Perp: I was just trying to help her up.

Detective Benson: With your penis?

July 13, 2010

Captain Cragen: Drugs, I get. But ponies?

July 6, 2010

Detective Benson: Okay. So where does he hide his dirty pictures?

July 2, 2010

Detective Cassidy: We found her dead, trussed up like a latex turkey.

June 30, 2010

(While coaching his daughter on protecting the soccer net.)
Detective Stabler: C’mon, kick it back!
Kathleen Stabler: Dad! I’m a virgin, okay? (she kicks the ball which rolls past him)
Detective Stabler: (faintly) Okay.

June 28, 2010

June 25, 2010

Detective Stabler: Morales found something on Laura’s computer.
Detective Benson: Anything juicy?
Detective Stabler: About 10 gigs worth of women’s butts.

June 24, 2010

Detective Munch: Hey, I respect hookers, at least they earn their money upfront, unlike ex-wives who get you with that lucrative back end deal.

June 23, 2010

Detective Cassidy: Yeah, tattoos are just a gateway to the sexual dark side, my friend.
Detective Stabler: [putting his right arm around Cassidy and turning his left arm so one tattoo shows] You guys have finally figured me out, huh?

June 22, 2010

Detective Munch: Ah but we digress, back to the dead whore.

June 18, 2010

Captain Cragen: In the jungle they always taught us, “Don’t hold your nose. Hold your stones.”

June 17, 2010

Detective Benson: This place is secluded enough for a rape.

April 6, 2010

Detective Munch : “I miss the day when revenge just meant shooting someone.”

Melinda Warner (the medical examiner) comes bounding in from off camera : “And I miss the days when I never had to say I ran more DNA tests on that semen.”

March 17. 2010

Detective Olivia Benson: “You scared that woman half to death!”

Detective Elliot Stabler: “It’s a good thing you told me that.”

Detective Olivia Benson: “Why?!”

* Detective Stabler looks out the window for a moment, then turns to Det. Benson and cracks his knuckles *

Detective Elliot Stabler: “Because I don’t like to leave a job half done.”

December 15, 2009:

Detective Olivia Benson: “You sacrificed that little girl to make your case, you bitch!”
Alexendra “Alex” Cabot: “Sometimes when you’re the coach of the team you have to make decisions you don’t like.”
Detective Elliot Stabler: “Well coach, get ready for some unnecessary roughness.”
*Two cops hold Detective Stabler back*

December 9, 2009:

Detective Olivia Benson throws up into a trashcan, after a sheet is pulled back on a particularly grisly murder victim. She looks up apologetically at Stabler, who says, “It’s alright. It’s times like this I wish I still had the urge to vomit.”

December 8, 2009:

Detective Olivia Benson: “You can’t murder someone just because you’ve had a bad day!”

Teenage kid being interrogated, looking up at Detective Olivia Benson: “What about a bad entire life?”

Detective Benson bites her lip and looks out the window.

December 5, 2009:

Coroner, pulling back the sheet on a body: “He burned her with a cigarette 18 times before strangling her.”  Detective Elliot Stabler: “It must have been one hell of a party.”

December 4, 2009:

The Killer/Rapist: “I have rights!”

Detective Elliot Stabler, closing the door to the interrogation room: “We’ll just see about that.”

December 3, 2009:

Killer: “I can’t help what I am.” Detective Elliot Stabler: “And I can’t help what you’re about to be: behind bars.”

You’ve attended:

a. more weddings than you can count.
b. more weddings in sweats than you can count.
.
.

.
Your discman broke, so you:

a. decide it’s time to get an iPod.
b. no longer find yourself interested in music.
.
.
You wonder if you really are:

a. as awesome as everybody thinks you are. “Yes,” you think, as you slurp down another oyster. “I am.”
b. under-qualified to scoop ice cream.
.
.
You often bring:

a. a bottle of wine to couple night at Bob and Linda’s .
b. up that time you smiled.
.
.
You’re worried because the weekend is the only time:

a. you have to finish your thank you notes.
b. you can get a full 48 hours’ sleep.
.

You were the life of the party:

.
a. until you got married, settled down and had a couple of adorable rugrats.
b. until the party went to grad school.
.

On your first day of work, the guy training you says, “Welcome to the big leagues!”

2. Chateu Marmont
I recently checked out one of their $5,000 a night bungalows because I heard that’s where my favorite celebrity, John Belushi died. Guess what? A total gyp. I was expecting to see his long-decayed crumpled up remains on the floor next to my bed, but no. The stupid maids must have picked them up before I got there.

3. Hollywood
They say this is a great place to be discovered, but guess what? No one knows who the fuck I am, and I’ve been standing in front of that goddamned Mann’s Chinese Theatre dressed up like Shrek for three months now and still no starring role in a film! (just a stupid 3-episode arc on “Breaking Bad” and a few pilots)

4. Beverly Hills
They say you see the rich & famous here, which is true, but they don’t mention that they were famous 70 years ago. Oh, whoop dee do, I just saw Dorothy Maguire, Oscar-nominated for Best Actress In A Leading Role for her performance in the 1947 film, Gentleman’s Agreement, co-starring a young Gregory Peck as Philip Schuyler Green. That’s fascinating, 63 years ago you were nominated for an Oscar and 63 minutes ago a nurse fed you pureed peas for lunch.

5. The Magic Castle
Check out these rules to get into this place: you have to know a member to get in, have to wear a suit, and, most importantly, you have to be a giant dork. I don’t know a single member here, but somehow I’ve been like 50 times, and each experience is more embarrassing than the last. The only thing harder to figure out these magicians’ card tricks is how they pay their rent.

6. Griffith Park Observatory
I waited years for the renovations to be completed on the famous observatory. When it was finally re-opened to the public I rushed over there James Dean style and if I’d known how boring this place was I’d have crashed head on into another car on my way over. 3 words on the list of activities at this iconic landmark sum the place up perfectly: Beatles. Laser. Show.

7. Skid Row
Like most people I’m fascinated by ’80s hair metal bands, so when I heard about “skid row” I was thrilled to finally get the chance to meet one of my musical heroes, Sebastian Bach. Unfortunately, when I arrived at this charming section of downton I was alarmed to find myself in a shanty town made of cardboard and inhabitated by violent drug-addled hobos. After witnessing all sorts of sexual acts performed for drugs and a man shooting heroin into his penis, I walked away wishing these people had heard “18 and Life” before they ended up here.

8. The Valley
Known for decades as the crappy and oppressively hot suburban strip mall alternative to the rest of Los Angeles. The Valley made a run at being interesting when it became the porn capital of the world. I hit the streets of Burbank, Van Nuys, Woodland Hills, Studio City, North Hollywood and Sherman Oaks in search of hot porn action. I never even got a whiff of sex on camera anywhere. Now on top of being ugly the Valley doesn’t put out either.

1. Mountain Dew: Code Left-Overs: This is a foamy, thick beverage that consists of what is left in the Mountain Dew vats after all the Mountain Dew has been bottled. Immigrants come in at 4 in the morning and scrape the Mountain Dew residue into non-biodegradable tins and then deliver them to 99 cent stores across the country, which is the impoverished person’s Whole Foods.

2. The thing on the end of a shrimp that rich people don’t eat: Exo-skeletons are frowned upon by upper class palates, but aside from the coughing that is inevitable when trying to swallow it, and the complete lack of nutritional content, it’s better than not having anything in your stomach.

3. Milk with dirt in it: The dirt gives the milk the consistency of food!

4. Loved ones who have passed on: It’s not like they’ll need their bodies in hell!

5. Off-brand cereal: Yeah, “Magic Stars” may not taste like “Lucky Charms,” and yeah a lot of the vitamins listed on the nutritional information on “Magic Stars” haven’t technically been approved by the FDA, but did you know that, since “Magic Stars” are actually a front company for a Los Angeles street gang, every 5th box of “Magic Stars” is full of useful stolen goods?

There are a million other ways we could exploit this information to our advantage, but writing an article about the love child of Randy Moss and Lara Croft wouldn’t be honest. First of all Lara Croft is not a real person and therefore Lara Croft couldn’t have a child.  Even if Lara Croft was real and let me reiterate, Lara Croft is not a real person, Lara Croft may never get the chance to meet Randy Moss.  Then of course if Randy Moss and Lara Croft met maybe they wouldn’t hit it off.  Maybe Randy Moss and Lara Croft would just be friends.  We can only speculate on the hypothetical nature of a Randy Moss and Lara Croft relationship.  Anything else would be a lie and we all remember our MILF moms telling us when we were growing up that Randy Moss, Lara Croft and slutty naked celebrities don’t like liars.

Zombie was built on a foundation of honesty and hilarity and we will continue to put out material that is not swayed by the popularity of Lara Croft, Randy Moss or any hot naked celebrity sex tape.