By Penn Collins
I sit my mother down on our patio with a box of Franzia wine in order to finally get her to admit that she is more proud of me than my younger brother, Seth Collins.
I will read her facial expression to determine if she is telling the truth or not, using the instruments and knowledge I have gleaned from the TV show “Lie to Me” (FOX, Mondays 8/7C)
Me: Hello, mother.
Mom: Stop talking like that, Penn.
Me: Why? Does it bother you, Mother?
Mom: Ugh. Yes. It’s really creepy.
Her gaze never breaks. TRUE.
Me: Here, have a drink and relax.
I toss the box of Franzia wine into her lap.
Mom: Ow. That hurt. You don’t throw a cardboard box filled with a gallon of wine into someone’s lap. And I’m not going to drink boxed wine. It’s awful.
TRUE. Franzia is awful. And also TRUE about not throwing a box of Franzia into an unsuspecting person’s lap. That’s crappy behavior.
Me: DO YOU LIKE ME MORE THAN SETH?
Mom: (Unflinchingly calm) No.
Me: So you like Seth more than me?
Mom: (Still calm, making eye contact) No.
Me: So you like us both the same?
Mom: Yes. I love different things about you, but I love you both equally and always will.
Me: Aha! You flinched when you said that. Lying makes you uneasy.
Mom: Penn, I had a mosquito on my arm. I was swatting at it.
Me: (Tears welling up) No you weren’t. You were lying to me!!! Your own son!!! Just tell me the truth. Which part were you lying about? The part about loving us both equally or the part about always loving us? Are you going to stop loving us? (Complete emotional breakdown. Tears everywhere)
Mom: No, honey. I will always love you.
Me: OH GOD! YOUR LIP QUIVERED WHEN YOU SAID THAT. YOU’VE ALREADY STOPPED LOVING ME. I’M A STRANGER IN MY OWN CHILDHOOD HOME!!! (Crying harder than anyone has ever cried. Wiping nose on shirt sleeve)
Mom: I think I’ll take a glass of that crappy wine now.
Me: AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, YOU’RE SHOWING SIGNS OF ALCOHOLISM!!!!
Mom: No, I’m not. And I can tell you’re lying when you say that?
Me: (Collecting myself) How? Do you watch “Lie to Me” (FOX, Mondays 8/7C) too?
Mom: No. Your fingers are crossed.
Me: No. They’re not. You’re lying again, I can tell by your fluctuating timbre!
Mom: Penn, your hand is clearly resting on the table and your fingers are crossed.
Me: But my toes are crossed too, which undoes the hand part!
Mom: You’re not crossing your toes, Penn. Stop lying.
Me: (Going from sadness to curiosity) How can you tell?
Mom: Well, you’re wearing Aqua Socks, so you wouldn’t even be able to cross your toes if you wanted to. Where did you even get those? Do they still make those?
Me: eBay.
Mom: I can tell you’re telling the truth. Thanks for being honest.
Me: I got snot on my sleeve.
Mom: Yeah, I think I like Seth better.
No sign of crossed fingers. TRUE.
“Lie to Me” airs on Mondays at 8pm/7pm Central on FOX
