by Daniel Dominguez

Dung beetles are interesting subjects to study that provide a rich array of valuable data. One of the first things you notice when studying a Dung beetle over long periods of time is that no one likes them. And rightly so. For they are scavengers who survive on the waste of other animals. It is a vomitous, grotesque way to behave. To have them over for dinner, or at a cocktail party, would be a disaster.

Dung beetles in all likelihood used to eat plants like other animals, but they were so crappy that nobody would share any plants with them, so they turned to feces, and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if it kind of got them off. You can tell by their sneer that they are perverted animals. Dung beetles are the type of beetles that would watch your wife take a shower through a crack in the bathroom door. They are amoral nonsense creatures who don’t have anything better to do with their time than clean off their legs in a really annoying-looking way.

Dung beetles have a hard carapace that they use to defend themselves from predators, and probably to show off. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to come across a Dung beetle standing in front of a bunch of animals who didn’t have hard carapaces and talking about how great his carapace was. That I haven’t come across that exact scenario time and time again astounds me. Probably I haven’t because Dung beetles are great at hiding, just like child predators and Nazis. But that isn’t the only similarity between Scarabaeoidea (a.k.a. The Dung beetle) and the Nazis. Like the Nazis, Dung beetles are fascistic and believe in the violent elimination of other races so as to keep their bloodline pure. That is of course speculation on my part, but I nonetheless suspect it to definitively be the case.

Dung beetles are mysterious creatures, and little is known about them. Still, there are some things about them that are certain.

1. Dung beetles are the only known subspecies of insect that always goes to Hell when it dies.

2. If a Dung beetle got the chance, it would kill you and everyone you love.

3. Dung beetles think “Saved By the Bell: The New Class” was better than “Saved By The Bell.”

4. Nothing is worse than a Dung beetle.

5. The “magic bullet” that killed John F. Kennedy was actually a Dung beetle, fired from a HK-22 Bolt Action Sniper Rifle by another Dung Beetle.