Not Every President Was Good At Coming Up With Campaign Slogans
By Daniel Dominguez
American history is marked by great individuals rising via their achievements to heights of prominence and power not reachable in countries without such unlimited freedoms. The station of President has always been open to those that have striven well beyond their own means and defied their circumstances. Andrew Jackson, born a lower middle class farmer, was able to kill so many Native Americans that he was able to make a fully operational draw bridge out of their bones that impressed the Supreme Court enough to decide to make him President. John Adams won a mustache unwieldiness contest, which was how you became President back then. John Kennedy wouldn’t stop fucking the American Flag with his huge handsome dick until someone allowed him to be President.
But not everyone who has become President was a winner. While many who ascended to the office were great leaders of men, or fascinating, thoughtful rhetoricians; some were lowly brutes who could barely string together words; made President through a series of accidents, or through nepotism. For instance, William Henry Harrison was completely inbred. He stood only 2 feet 7 inches tall with a head twice the weight of his torso. Also, he could barely be understood, because he was too busy ramming buckets of fish stomach lining into his gullet, which was the only food he seemed willing to eat.
Other cases were not that extreme. Some Presidents simply for the life of them couldn’t get it together enough to write up a solid campaign slogan. Here below is a list some of the worst campaign slogans Presidential candidates have come up with in the last 275 years.
5. William Henry Harrison - *his campaign slogan was actually just the loud smacking noises he made when sucking fish stomachs out of his fish stomach bucket. — Like modern day George W. Bush, Harrison supporters found his crude, sloppy eating of fish stomachs to give him the appearance of being “like them” and “down to earth”.
4. Franklin Pierce- “I’m so humble that I can honestly say that I wouldn’t elect me if I were you.” — Franklin Pierce took his notorious humility a bit too far with that campaign slogan, which people generally felt made him seem “A tad unelectable”.
3. Chester A. Arthur- “I’m sorry, hold on one second, I seemed to have misplaced the bag that I keep my own shit in. Yes, it comforts me to own a bag in which I keep copious amounts of my own shit.” — No one knows how President Arthur was elected after he ran with that slogan. But the fact remains that he was.
2. Calvin Coolidge- “I think it would be funny if I made a Dachshund the Secretary of State.” – People thought he was kidding. An assumption that led to one of the most tragic meetings of heads of state in the history of the country. The meeting would later come to be known as, “The time that goddamned Dachshund Calvin Coolidge appointed to be Secretary of State wouldn’t stop urinating in front of and onto the English Queen.”
1. Zachary Taylor- “If you are a woman or a black person or a poor person, fuck you and the ground that you walk on.” — Historians look on this slogan as a bad slogan, though at the time, the slogan was so popular that people decided to elect to be our first and only eight term president.
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