Tip: If anything remotely interesting happened to you the previous day before you went out, you most likely already talked to your wife about it last night. Don’t bring it up again.
Never say “How did I get this injury?”
Never ask who vomited in the kitchen.
Stop referring to your AA sponsor as a dick head.
Blame the fist-shaped holes in the wall that spell out the name of your ex-girlfriend on her.
When she says “You were acting really weird last night when we had sex,” instead of saying “We had sex?” say, “Weirdly awesome, you mean!”
Of course you wanted that neck tattoo of “tatu” (from Mystery Island featuring Mr. [Senor] Ricardo Montalban.) Get it, honey?
Roofie her preemptively, then give her shit for passing out
Say, “Man, this mattress is incredible. I slept like a baby.” (Don’t mention that it smells like urine).
Say, “Man, sleeping on the floor really fixed my bad back. I slept like a baby. (Don’t mention that you smell like urine)
Give her guilt trip for not fulfilling your rape fantasy.
Claim that the medication you’re secretly taking to be a better husband really knocks you out.
When she wakes you, avoid asking, “Who the fuck are you?”
