While you are no doubt fantasizing about shooting up your place of work as we speak, what you should really be worried about is someone else doing it first. But who will it be? One of six types, most likely, and here they are:

The Wannabe Screenwriter

He clogs the office printer with his latest genius manuscript just in time to send it to that guy-who- works-for-this-guy-who-knows-someone and it’s only a matter of time before it gets optioned and he’s outta here, suckas! Of course that day never comes, so he writes another screenplay, then another, each plot getting darker and more violent until he finally names the protagonist after himself and he decides to do more research on this project about shooting up an office by, you know, doing it. Not much warning with a guy like this, just be sure to give him some bland notes on his screenplay and tell him to remember you when he gets super famous.

The 56 Year-old Divorced Guy With a Teenage Daughter

His wife’s taken everything, his 16-year-old daughter is an ungrateful pain in the ass, and he probably has expensive prostate surgery he needs but can’t afford because he spent his 401k on the overpriced house that his ex-wife now lives in with her new boyfriend. You think this guy is gonna let a little pipsqueak like you smirk every time he asks you how to copy-and-paste? No way, after the boss gets it, he’s coming after you (he just may need your help sending out the suicide email to everyone the the office first).

The Never-Married 40-Something Year-Old Secretary

There’s a moment where an aging woman in her 40s realizes that she’s never going to be the young, blushing bride, and be able to quit this “day time” job to give birth to dozens of adorable babies. It’s this moment we’d recommend pulling a Ferris Bueller, because she’s going to take all that energy she had been pouring into that wedding binder on shooting everyone of you saps at work. Take a closer look at those Dilbert comics she has sadly taped to her cubicle wall – those things can be fucking dark.

The I.T. Guy

Besides the well-documented virginity / loneliness of these guys, can you image what it must be like to be constantly called to help a worker in crisis only to continually find that the dumb-ass just needs to hit the “on” button or plug in the damn computer?Well, you know how hellishly frustrating it is trying to tell your mom on the phone how to add an attachment to her emails can be — imagine if that was all you did all…day… long.
You better hope this guy gets that dream job at Google before he finally snaps — because it’s only a matter of time.

The Ex-Marine

This guy used to wake up in the morning, get shot at, drive a hummer across mines, eat sand for breakfast, and do it all over again the next morning. Now he’s listening to some 30-year-old Ivy league twit lecture him on his phone etiquette? This dude is trained, pissed, and armed. You’re all dead.

The Precocious College Grad

The kids growing up on Baby Einstein and bicycle helmets are entering the work force by the thousands every day and they face a terrible reality: they might not be as special as they were promised. The crushing realization that they’re just like us may be too much for their fragile egos. Keep an eye on their Facebook status for something along the lines of: “OMG Shooting office up today! LOL” – and then think about taking a sick day.