By Michael Schwartz

1. Might have had a chance to die an honorable death, like in a duel or hunting accident

2. Would have commanded more respect as Colonel of the East Petersburg, Pa. Town Watch

3. Could have prevented the theft of my stereo, TV, guitars and computer, if the burglar had woken me up

4. Could defend myself from the tyrannical United States government’s Census troopers

5. Would finally have something to help fill the empty gun rack above my bed

6. Could shoot wildly in the air to celebrate chess and backgammon victories

7. Would enjoy an endless fuckfest with all those foxy, gun-loving, preferably blonde and Southern NRA chicks

8. Could realize boyhood dream of committing federal crimes, not just nickel-and-dime state capers

9. Wouldn’t have to rely on mean looks to keep the goddamn neighbor kids off my property

10. Could get money from the ATM when I’m too drunk to remember my pin

11. I would be stronger, more attractive to the opposite sex and invincible

12. Could shoot beer cans off the fence out back