A Letter from A Kodiak Bear Member of PETA to PETA

Dear PETA,

My name is Growl-Tor. I am a Kodiak Grizzly Bear, based in Alaska, and I have been an active member of PETA for many years. Most post offices don’t let bears in, and it is very hard to seal an envelope with giant unwieldy paws, so you can appreciate the effort it takes to send in my dues every year.

I recently learned that PETA has officially classified salmon as an endangered species and is lobbying for the government to do the same.  I cannot help but take this as a slap in the face. Why don’t you just walk right up and knock the food out of my children’s mouths yourself?  You hippy bastards don’t see me lobbying the government to ban tofu and obscure folk music, so why don’t you lay off my favorite things, huh? What’s next, you going to try to ban scratching my back on the rough bark of a tree?

I’m sorry. That was aggressive. I shouldn’t have taken it there, and I apologize. But you must understand that I rely on salmon as a staple of my food supply. Honestly, if this is some sort of passive aggressive way of saying you have a problem with me I wish you’d just come out and say it. Is this because I mauled Jerry at the annual PETA Pizza Picnic/ Meet-And-Greet last year? That wasn’t my fault. Jerry spilled honey on his shirt and I’m a fucking bear. If you want me not to maul people at our mixers tell them not to get honey on themselves, to lay very still, and to refrain from looking me in my eyes.

Getting mad at me for losing control at the sight of honey is like getting mad at Drinky Mike for needing booze to function around people.

OK. That was a personal attack, and I’m sorry. No disrespect to Drinky Mike. He’s a great guy, he’s always the first person to tickle me under the chin when I’ve done especially well at riding my unicycle.

In closing, as a dues paying member of PETA I hope you will think twice before trying to ban the eating of Salmon. Writing this letter was incredibly difficult, as I have the mind of a bear and communicating in a written language comes very slowly to me, so you can imagine how impassioned I am about defending my right to eat salmon. Thank you for taking the time to read this letter, and for considering my request. I would continue writing more, but I smell that someone has left their outdoor trash can open nearby and I have a desperate and unstoppable instinct to nose through it looking for fast food wrappers.

Sincerely,

Growl-Tor