By Jon Danforth-Appell (with begrudging “input” from Leo Margul)
Leo and I have been roommates for almost six months now. It’s been one hell of a crazy ride. Still, we’ve had our fair share of spats and disagreements. Provided below are some DOs and DON’Ts I’ve gleaned after living with Leo.
DO: Talk about boundaries up front. It’s important to communicate what you’re comfortable with at the beginning of your relationship, that way you can avoid problems later down the line.
DON’T: Begin your talk by sliding your hand down your roommate’s pants and immediately declaring that you’ve “won gay chicken.” Some people, like Leo, aren’t really into sports.
DO: Discuss how, if at all, you want to share food. If you’re going to keep separate groceries make sure they’re labeled so any confusion can be avoided.
DON’T: Compulsively add three drops of your blood to all of your food (even though it guarantees that Leo keeps his nubby mitts off your meatloaf). He’ll complain about the cold sores he develops later and it ends up being a gigantic hassle.
DO: Ensure there’s a proper protocol for doing the dishes. Remember, as soon as one dish appears in the sink, it’s likely that if it isn’t done within the day then it won’t be done for a week.
DON’T: Stack unclean dishes in front of Jon’s door in some passive aggressive attempt to get him to do them. It’s not going to work Leo; I’ll clean them when I’m good and ready. If you’re trying to out-filth me, you’re barking up the wrong tree. Have you seen my room? I live in garbage, it’s like District 9 in here but with more cat food.
DO: Properly notify your roommate when you may be entertaining company of the opposite/same sex.
DON’T: Come into the living room and fucking cock-block me when I’m fist-deep in some hot ‘tang just because you want to know “what’s that smell?” It’s probably the cat food. Either way just let it go dude.
DO: It’s totally cool to have small, social get-togethers as long as they’re not too frequent or obtrusive.
DON’T: Fuck that, as the non-musical member of an Andrew W.K. cover band I am obligated to “party all the time.” And, as I already told you, Trey and Beefer are just crashing till the police heat on them dies down. Just don’t ask Beefer about his tattoo, or try to change a light bulb in a low-cut shirt.
DO: Confront your roommate when you have a problem. It’s best to be polite and non-combative, always say “we,” never “you” and try to find solutions to the problem rather than focusing on the problem itself.
DON’T: I don’t give a fuck how polite you are Leo, “we” need you to STFU and not try to “call your grandma” when I’m watching CSI Miami and rocking out to the Who. “We” need to get my fuck on and “you” need to sit in your room and listen if you want. “We” need you to not ask so many questions when I come home bloody. If you’re not cool with all this I’m gonna’ “non-combatively” stab you with the letter-opener.
Following these simple DOs and DON’Ts should resolve all problems that you may have with your ridiculously unaccommodating roommate. If it doesn’t, you could try playing gay chicken with actual chickens.
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