UNRELEASED BIBLE CHAPTERS

by Daniel Dominguez

Every chapter of the Bible is writ in its own genre. Conceived by dozens of authors over hundreds of years, the style of each chapter is nuanced and uniquely suited to its task. From the action-adventure style of Exodus to the family drama of Genesis to the hard-boiled detective fiction of Deuteronomy to the classical eroticism of Revelation, the Bible has something for everyone.

But did you know that there were many books left out of the Bible, including books told from the perspectives of both Judas and Mary Magdelene? Each of those had their own genres as well. Judas’ omitted Bible chapter is a G-rated children’s fiction selection about a mouse who becomes a spy who uses walnut shells to create the ultimate weapon to get back the president’s favorite cheese from a bunch of not-too-friendly weasels. But perhaps the most interesting chapter left out of the Bible is presented here. The chapter, 1 Simon , was written by Jesus’ disciple Simon, and details the life of Jesus. It is not dissimilar from Paul or John in content, so theologians suspect it was left out of the Bible to avoid redundancies. However, what is interesting about the chapter is the genre which Simon chose to tell the tale of Jesus: Cyberpunk.

Here now is an excerpt from that chapter:

1 Simon 13

“You fuckers,” Jesus’s finger opened and a dart of blue flame emerged. He lit his cigarette.

Mohawk and GearBox looked at each other, nervous. Judas has warned them that Jesus had disapproved of money-lenders at Temple Bar Restaurant and Data Warehouse.

“This is a temple, bar, restaurant, and data warehouse, not a place for tech-head nuyen whores to go scumming their trade!” Jesus’ steel leg extensions expanded, giving him an extra two feet of height, and he popped a Synth-Pill. Jesus gritted his teeth as the synth-pill tech-enhanced Testorone Plus caused his muscles to flex and tense.

1 Simon 14

Just then, a jacked-out data overloaded memory whore stumbled out of the Temple Bar. Memory whores were chicks who got off on boosting their brain full of other people’s memories by connecting their mind modems to the holo-net. You could tell a memory whore cuz’ they got nosebleeds all the damn time.

“Mary Magdelene! Get back!” Jesus shouted at the memory whore, just as he whipped back his long-coat, pulled out a shotgun, and blasted GearBox to pieces. Blood, guts, and cyber-implants flew everywhere as GearBox, more machine than man, launched back.

“I knew it. Fuck,” said Jesus, spitting on the ground, “You cyborg assholes owe half your bodies to the Yakuza, and when you owe the Yakuka, you are OWNED by the Yakuza.”

As Jesus reloaded his shotgun, ready to teach the money-lenders to peddle their wears elsewhere, several Yakuza stepped out from the shadows.

1 Simon 15

“Jesus, you’re as tweaked out on faith as any of these techno-rats are tweaked out on my upgrades,” Mitzuyaki, the lead Yakuza, opened his hand and a monofilament whip unraveled out of a metal hole in his hand, “You had best turn right around and get out of here.”

Jesus cocked his shotgun, kicking GearBox’s head at Mitzuyaki, who caught it, and grimaced, “Ye, unto you woe, for this is the house of My Father, the ghost at the end of the shell, and My Father calls for blood.”