Gray Matters: Devouring Pop Culture One Morsel At A Time
Sociopaths, lovebirds or both? (A psychological investigation)

By Michael and Alex Schwartz

Using science, we will identify and discuss incomprehensible, indefensible couple behaviors, and whether the lovebirds subjecting the rest of us to this shit deserve pity, contempt or murder.

No. 1: Sitting On The Same Side Of A Restaurant Booth When There Are Only Two At The Table

MICHAEL: You’ve all seen it. Some of you are probably witnessing it right now: Two individuals are showing the world that they 1) have found someone willing to have sex with them and 2) think craning their necks at a 90-degree angle to talk to someone two-inches away isn’t the dumbest fucking thing ever.

How do they broadcast this message of love and creepiness? The pair cozies up to one another on a single side of a booth, facing and expecting no one.

Why? Why Alex? Tell me please what the hell is happening in these people’s heads.

ALEX: Has anyone ever told you that the key to every successful relationship is sacrifice? “Honey, maybe instead of you spending $45 on a case of seasonal craft beer, we should spend that money on new set of throw pillows for the couch.”

I’ve thought extensively about this theory of sacrifice, and here is my conclusion: The more totally fucking wrong you are for a certain person, the more you will be willing to sacrifice to maintain a successful (that is, existent) relationship.

I think that we can tie this theory into our discussion brought forth by Mr. Michael Schwartz earlier. Never once have two people on a date sat on the same side of the booth because it felt natural. The only way that something like this can ever happen is for one person to suggest it and the other to accept it.

You know how hard it can be to find someone who can tolerate you, so you go along with the crazy person’s suggestion to sit on the same side of the booth. Life is all about sacrifice.

MICHAEL: So basically, all same-side booth-sitters are desperate weirdoes who either love eating with someone they need peripheral vision to see, or they’re suckers who go along with this idiotic idea because no one else will sleep with them, right?

ALEX: Right.

MICHAEL: OK. One down.

No. 2: The Boyfriend Voice.

MICHAEL: Some of you are probably hearing one of these right now too. Boyfriend X is talking to Girlfriend Y, cooing softly, chuckling too much and talking in a way completely divorced from natural speech.

As soon as X hangs up the phone or Y goes to the bathroom, X reverts to the guy you know who doesn’t talk like a toddler.

Is the Boyfriend Voice a front for a more fundamental deception, or just an irritating tic?
ALEX: Not only is the “Boyfriend Voice” a total deception, but it also makes me wonder which person I’ve been talking to, Jeckyl or Hyde. Maybe these people have been using “The Casual Friend Voice” on me the entire time. Maybe they aren’t even who they say they are. Maybe you aren’t who you say you are!

MICHAEL: [in Boyfriend Voice] Darling, you know who I am.