How To Keep the Girlfriend Happy While Staying Unemployed

Published on February 15th, 2010

Guide to Staying Un-Employed without Pissing Off Your Significant Other

by Craig Carilli

I recently entered my 5th straight month of unemployment.  My beautiful, loving, and most importantly, employed girlfriend and I live together. This potentially volatile situation needs to be handled with utmost care and keen attention to detail.

After a painful first few months of trial and error,  I have discovered the keys to keeping the relationship from deteriorating into a violent blood bath. To make the world a better place for anyone suffering from a similar situation, I will share the secrets of my unemployment journey:

1. Refer to your job search as a “journey”.
This adds gravitas to the whole process and implies that the journey itself is more important than the job you eventually find.

2. Keep your house/apartment clean.
This one I learned the hard way.  I thought we’d continue to share the chores and upkeep of our place like when I was working. She’d get home and for some reason for the next 2-3 hours I would be greeted by icy silence or one word answers. Here’s a tip: If you’re out of work and your girlfriend/boyfriend comes home to a dirty home and says they’re “fine” when you ask them how they are, run to the place where the cleaning supplies are and start scrubbing.
Furthermore, cleaning up the kitchen as they walk in the door while wearing the same clothes they saw you in last night does not work in your favor.

3. Appearance is everything. Even if you’ve been hunched over your computer for 8 hours looking for work, it will not mean shit if you look like shit.  Keep the grooming standards high.  If your hair is wet from the shower when your significant other gets home from their day of work, they will know you just showered and will not be pleased.  The attraction your partner feels towards you might wane during this unemployment period so looking your best is important if you would like to continue to have sex on a regular basis. Which leads us to:

4. Don’t complain about frequency of sex.
It will not be at employed levels and if your birthday doesn’t fall during your unemployment journey, oral will be as distant as the memory of having some asshole boss tell you what to do.  Dropping hints for sex is fine and the offering of going down will come in pretty handy during this difficult time, but pushing too hard will only land you more celibacy.

5. Meals.
If you can cook you are in a good position here.  If you can’t, you better learn quick or find some decent precooked meals at your neighborhood market.  The smells of a fine meal wafting through the air as your love gets home will momentarily make him/her forget about that 1 hour commute home and their lazy, unemployed piece of shit significant other and how you’re sinking the good ship “Healthy Relationship.”  With the meal can come a glass of wine which will enable you to have one while you cook to explain the alcohol on your breath (no need to bring up the 6 beers you drank throughout the day).

6. Hiding beer bottles.
We’re all going to be drinking while unemployed, so be smart about it.  Use the neighbors recycling for your empties.

7. Never get caught playing video games.
For some reason, nothing pisses off a working person more than a non-working person playing video games. Don’t even try to explain the benefits of improved hand-eye coordination or problem solving, just be sure you can hear your gal’s car pull up to give you enough time to save and quit.

8. Watch TV Standing Up The Last Hour Before She Comes Home.
In addition to seeing the large indentation, she’ll be able to feel the warmth of the couch.

9. Never mention fun or exciting things you did during the day.
Having all the free time in the world can be wonderful and liberating.  You can do anything with this time.  Learn a foreign language, knit, start a free humor publication, etc., but under no circumstances are you to relate this to the girl you live with.  They have been at work all day and lack the capacity to understand how you had a great lunch with an old friend, read in the park for a couple of hours, saw the new Wes Anderson movie and took a nap for an hour before starting dinner with the ingredients purchased at a farmer’s market earlier in the day.

Follow these simple tips and you will be able to extend your unemployment journey with your significant other as long as the state keeps paying you.

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