First of all, I’d like thank Domino’s for giving me the opportunity to respond to their Pizza Turnaround by casting such a wide fucking net with their marketing campaign.  I was afraid I wouldn’t be made aware of this event, but I was.  Thanks, Domino’s.

In the interest of awesomeness, please see my response in the body of the below press release in non-italicized CAPS. I love you all and will see you on the other side.

Celebrating 50th Year, Domino’s Pizza Gives Itself a Makeover

Domino’s reinventing its pizza with seasoned crust, robust sauce, shredded cheese

ANN ARBOR, Mich., Dec 16, 2009 /PRNewswire-FirstCall— Approaching 50 years in the business, Domino’s Pizza, the recognized world leader in pizza delivery, announced today it is changing its core pizza recipe. With a new garlic seasoned crust, robust sauce and more flavorful shredded cheese I’M ERECT, Domino’s new hand-tossed pizza has been reinvented to deliver more taste — and Domino’s is backing it up with a guarantee.

Rolling out over the course of the next few weeks, Domino’s new pizza will be in all U.S. stores beginning December 27.

“2010 will be our 50th year in the business, and we are kicking it off with the most aggressive promotion in the history of our company SOMEWHERE, THE NOID IS SOBBING,” said Domino’s Chairman and CEO David A. Brandon. “This is the biggest product introduction we’ve done since…well, pizza.” DELIGHTFUL!!!!

The primary changes include SECONDARY AND TERTIARY CHANGES TO BE ANNOUNCED THROUGH FRIENDSTER AND AN AGGRESSIVE WEBCRAWLER AD CAMPAIGN:

-Crust: A garlic seasoned crust with parsley baked to a golden brown -Sauce: Sweeter, bolder tomato sauce with a medley of herbs and a red
pepper kick RIGHT TO THE DICK!
-Cheese: Shredded cheese made with 100% real mozzarella and flavored
with just a hint of provolone NODDING SUGGESTIVELY AT THE HINTED PROVOLONE

Reinventing the Domino’s Brand

“The fact is, we love our pizza, but as times change, so do consumer tastes,” said Russell Weiner, Domino’s Chief Marketing Officer PLEASE PROVIDE A CITATION SUPPORTING THIS CLAIM. “We’ve created a pizza to reflect what consumers are looking for. We’re not talking about a slightly-altered version of our previous pizza. It’s a completely new pizza reinvented from the crust up, and we are proud of it. To us, it’s as big as McDonald’s changing the Big Mac, or Burger King reinventing the Whopper THE WHAT?. We spent the last 18 months reinventing the brand in anticipation of our 50th anniversary.” SOMEWHERE, THE NOID IS IRONING HIS NOID COSTUME, HOLDING OUT HOPE.

Weiner noted that more than 80 percent of the Domino’s menu is new since 2008 75% PERCENT IS A DISGUSTING MIX OF BREAD AND NOODLES. Added to the menu since that time:

-Oven Baked Sandwiches, available in eight delicious varieties YOU JUST FOLD YOUR PIZZAS IN HALF AND WE KNOW IT
-Domino’s American Legends, a line of premium specialty pizzas LIKE A PIZZA THAT TASTES LIKE JOHN WAYNE?
-Breadbowl Pasta, five varieties of pasta baked into a seasoned bread
bowl AND TO TOP IT OFF, THEY HAD ANAL SEX WITH DR. ATKINS DAUGHTER THE DAY SHE TURNED 18.
-Chocolate Lava Crunch Cakes, oven-baked chocolate cakes, crunchy on the
outside, with warm flowing chocolate fudge inside

ALL THOSE THINGS ARE REALLY REALLY GROSS.

“The cherry on the top of all this recent innovation is our newly-inspired pizza,” said Weiner FUCK…ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT CHERRY PIZZA?. “Our inspiration came from the thousands of direct consumer feedback messages on several social media channels. CONGRATULATIONS ON PISSING SO MANY PEOPLE OFF THAT YOU WERE INUNDATED WITH HATE MAIL.  THE PEOPLE FROM PANTENE KILLED MY DOG AND I STILL WASN’T MOTIVATED TO WRITE A LETTER

“Over a two-year period, we tested dozens of cheeses, 15 sauces, and nearly 50 crust seasoning blends and researched every possible combination with customers who order from us all the time and customers who haven’t tried us in years. Our extensive research showed that the new pizza is significantly improved over our previous pizza.” CONGRATULATIONS ON DOING THE JOB OF A “CHEF”.  YOU’RE ONLY THE LARGEST PIZZA COMPANY ON THE PLANET.  KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

Great Value Offer with Ads Featuring Real Domino’s Team Members

Domino’s Pizza will be marketing this new pizza aggressively DON’T RESIST! in the next several weeks with advertising on many top-rated entertainment and sports programs ONE TREE HILL!  ONE TREE HILL!, sampling opportunities throughout the country and a strong web-based presence, Weiner said.

The special introductory offer will be 2 medium, 2 topping pizzas for $5.99 each. JUST SAY 12.98 FOR 2 PIZZAS, CROTCHGOBLINS.

Advertising produced by creative agency Crispin Porter + Bogusky will include documentary-style anecdotes featuring real Domino’s Pizza team members. The spots, filmed at Domino’s World Resource Center SOME RESTAURANTS HAVE “KITCHENS” in Ann Arbor, Michigan will show how the company took on the challenge of changing the negative perceptions of some consumers nationwide.

Putting Our Money Where Your Mouth Is
“We’ve long been known for STONED service,” said Weiner. “With this new pizza we are convinced Domino’s can be known for both STONED quality and STONED service. That’s why we’re introducing this new pizza with a guarantee: If you are not completely satisfied with your Domino’s pizza experience, we will make it right or refund your money. WHAT IF MY GIRLFRIEND BREAKS UP WITH ME WHILE I EAT YOUR PIZZA?  THAT WOULD BE A SHITTY DOMINO’S PIZZA EXPERIENCE.

“The entire company has been involved in this.” Weiner continued EVEN DISTRIBUTION AND LOGISTICS?  WOW. “From our CEO to our franchisees; from our supply chain division to our supply partners; from our product development team to our marketers — everyone has had a hand in reinventing our pizza.” GOD, SHUT UP.

About Domino’s Pizza®

Founded in 1960, Domino’s Pizza is the recognized world leader in pizza delivery. Domino’s is listed on the NYSE under the symbol “DPZ.” Through its primarily locally-owned and operated franchised system, Domino’s operates a network of 8,886 franchised and Company-owned stores in the United States and 60 international markets. The Domino’s Pizza(R) brand, named a Megabrand by Advertising Age magazine, had global retail sales of over $5.5 billion in 2008, comprised of nearly $3.1 billion domestically and over $2.4 billion internationally. During the third quarter of 2009, the Domino’s Pizza(R) brand had global retail sales of over $1.2 billion, comprised of over $672 million domestically and over $570 million internationally. Domino’s Pizza was named “Chain of the Year” by DOMINO’S Pizza Today magazine, the SOLE AND leading publication of the pizza industry. In 2009 Domino’s ranked number one in customer satisfaction in a survey of consumers of the U.S. largest limited service restaurants, according to the annual American Customer Satisfaction Index (ACSI).

SOURCE Domino’s Pizza

http://www.dominos.com