by Dan Dominguez
To Whom It May Concern (Except For Homosexuals),
As Ethics Minister of the Ugandan Government I feel it is my duty to clear up some misconceptions. Uganda has no problem with homosexuals, or their poisonous influence on our youth. On the contrary, Uganda has a long and rich tradition of accepting people of varying sexualities. Every sexuality from heterosexual, to all the incorrect heterosexualities, are represented here in Uganda. I myself had many gay friends, until I found out they were gay, then I murdered them with a Hatchet.
So many people look at us through one sided eyes. They say Uganda is a strife torn hellzone, where might makes right, and the streets run red with the blood of any who would dare dissent. Yes, there is that aspect to Uganda. But we also recently got our first Long John Silvers.
What I’m trying to say is that the world community has taken a dim view of the newly proposed Ugandan policies dealing with homosexuality not because they discriminate against homosexuals, but because of some basic misunderstandings. The new proposals do not inhibit people from being homosexuals, they simply make suggestions for what should be done if someone acts in a homosexual manner. Sure, if anyone does not follow the suggestions they will be put to death, but now we are splitting hairs. I mean, it’s not like homosexuals are being treated any differently than anyone else. After all, in Uganda, more likely than not you are going to be put to death for something at some point.
Yes, homosexuals are vermin, but so is Mickey Mouse and I bought my daughter a backpack with him on it, so what does that tell you?
In Uganda, we believe everyone has had a homosexual thought, or a gay dream at some point, and by everyone we mean a specific subset of people who we plan to monitor and punish for thought crime.
In conclusion, we welcome all people to Uganda, no matter who they are. Now, here is a list of people who are not welcome in Uganda.
1. Homosexuals
2. Those supportive of Homosexuals
3. Transsexuals
4. Asians
5. Witches
6. Dog lovers
7. Cat lovers
8. Women
9. Children
Now, I know what you are saying. But Ethics Minister you have a dog! And a cat! Yes I do. But I do not love them. In Uganda we have a saying that goes back hundreds, if not hundreds of thousands of years, “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer, and if your enemy happens to be either a dog or a cat, own it.” That saying goes perfectly with another timeless Ugandan saying, “If there is a saying, follow it.”
P.S. Just to prove how open Uganda is to homosexuals, I am including in this letter a check for 13,000,00000,000.94 $ American dollars, please do if you would cash this check, send me back 12,000,000,0000.94 $ American dollars, to + 1 19329 1004 Jakarkta Prefecture, Uganda Africa 73341, and you can keep the rest.
Sincerely,
Nsaba Buturo
Twitter: NsabaDABomb
Facebook: MileyCyrusNmbr1Fan
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