This is a review of Steven Seagal: Lawman. It’s a really great show and you should totally watch it. It is about Steven Seagal, who appeared in some movies in the ’80s as a martial arts action star. I’ve never seen any of these movies and I’m pretty sure they all suck because the dude is an asshole.

Anyway, Steven is a cop and he drives around Jefferson Parrish, Louisiana arresting and tasing people. He has some sort of Jedi super power where he can sit in the passenger seat and look out the window and can tell if someone is carrying a gun or is about to commit a crime. To emphasize this power, the camera goes into slow motion and the potential criminal he is concentrating on starts glowing. He repeatedly says, “As a lifelong practitioner of martial arts, I’m trained to remain calm in the face of adversity and danger,” yet he is rarely the calmest person, constantly berating criminals with a shower of f-bombs.

There does not appear to be any fitness standards in this Sheriff’s department. All the officers are overweight, none more than Steven. He sweats profusely, which is perplexing because he hardly moves. I have determined that if (a) you are in Jefferson Parrish, Louisiana, and (b) you commit a crime, and (c) you can run at a moderate pace, you’ll never get caught. Steven will occasionally give chase and is immediately out of breath, and as the show goes on, he never seems to regain it.

The other cops do all the hard work, and Steven comes in after the criminal is subdued and in cuffs and suggests that he or she be tased. After the unnecessary tasing, he lectures him or her about how they are ruining their lives. The golden nuggets of wisdom rarely sink in as the criminals are bewildered as to why Steven Seagal just tased them.
Also, Steven has taken on a Cajun accent and when he talks he sounds like he has down-syndrome. I get the impression he struggles with his identity: he thinks he’s a movie star, sometimes he’s a Cajun guy, sometimes he’s an Aikido expert, when he’s on the street he talks like a black person, sometimes he pretends he’s a blues guitarist.

It makes you wonder, who is the real Steven Seagal?

I have determined he is a fat douche bag.