by Dan Dominguez

The Church has attempted for many years to appeal to youth culture, in an effort to get the notoriously jaded teenage population interested in Christianity. They have attempted to connect Christian ideology to popular music, skateboarding, hip clothing, anal- the list is practically endless. The first recorded instance of the Church trying to appeal to youth culture occurred in 1648, when Spanish monks participating in the Inquisition tried to spread the rumor around villages that burned Jew ashes were the main ingredient in Go-Gurt.

One of the latest efforts by the Christian right to get teenagers to like them comes in the form of a new energy drink. Lots of surprising celebrities have put out energy drinks. 50 Cent put out Formula 50, which is the only energy drink brewed entirely from spent bullet casings.  Travis Barker put out an energy drink that just does whatever all the other popular energy drinks are doing. Now with Trinity The Energy Drink, God is the newest celebrity to have His own high-octane energy fuel.

Trinity Energy Drinks come with many benefits that other energy drinks do not come with:

1. They are only allowed to be drunk in the missionary position.
2. When a Trinity Energy Drink is shaken, and then sprayed at a gay person, that gay person immediately becomes Troy Aikman, record-breaking ex-quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys.
3. According to their webpage, Trinity Energy Drinks are “Fused with the Fruit of the Spirit”. Apparently, according to the nutritional facts on the back of a Trinity, the “Fruit of the Spirit” is 50 milligrams of D-Glucuronotactone. D-Glucuronotactone, by the way, in addition to being one of the main ingredients in Trinity and “the Fruit of the Spirit”, can also be used to instantly kill mice, or to weather seal an outdoor deck.
4. Trinity Energy Drinks, unlike Red Bull, were what Jesus drank to give him the strength to move the rock in front of the cave where he was body lay so he could ascend to heaven. Unfortunately for Jesus, the burst of energy he got made him think he was stronger than he was, and when he was done moving the boulder, he found that both his arms were completely broken. Which is why Jesus has broken arms in heaven, which is a pretty raw deal.
5. If a virgin drinks a Trinity Energy Drink she will become pregnant. And by “Trinity Energy Drink” I mean “sperm”, and by “drink” I mean “inserts in her vagina.”

While the church hasn’t been very successful in getting teenagers to buy Christian energy drinks, despite all of the benefits listed above, they have been incredibly successful in getting African people who have AIDS not to use condoms, which just goes to show, as has been shown time and time again, that God hates Africa.

An African child poses with a lizard, the closest thing they have in Africa to something fun.