by Penn Collins

Arizona – Wild Cats

Wildcats is a great name for a football team.  Ferocious and fictional.  Nobody’s ever been attacked by a “Wildcat”. People are attacked by Cougars, Gators, and, sometimes, the Fighting Irish. Arizona won’t be bogged down by such semantics.  “What kind of ferocious feline best represents our team?”  “I don’t know. All of them.  Let’s not limit ourselves.”

However, Wildcats is an unfortunately ubiquitous team name. Villanova and Kentucky are both Wildcats.  According to Wikipedia (the thinking man’s primary source), 24 other 4-year schools share that nickname as well.  Maybe Arizona should have been the Feralmonkeys instead.

Also, the single color in the logo indicates that they are probably saving a ton in printing costs. Looks like a Rorschach test.

Arizona State – Sun Devils

Cal – Golden Bears

Once upon a time, a team’s use of “Golden” as an adjective surely indicated supremacy or superiority.  Now it just really makes me think of pee. Cal seems to have a hard time committing to a logo.  I think something done in the vein of “A bear whizzing on a Cardinal tree” would be best. .

Oregon – Ducks

Pretty awesome.  A big part of nicknaming should be the management of expectations.  If you’re the Warriors, you will be hard pressed to impress your fan base. The Rainbow Warriors, less so.  The Ducks have set the bar pretty low for themselves with their naming convention. Oregon has embraced the concept of “underpromise, overdeliver”.  That said, the printed representation of the Duck appears to be a depiction of Donald Duck on PCP, which I’m sure promises SOMETHING, if not necessarily success on the gridiron.

I bet his name is like David or Daryl Duck.  I also love that he doesn’t wear pants.  A pantsless mascot is 35% scarier because it keeps the possibility of sex crimes in the mix.

Oregon State – Beavers

Uh-mazing.  Seriously.  Scariest beaver I have seen since I was 17. Look at those teeth. Oregon State has never been an athletic juggernaut, and they clearly have focused on more on the “entertainment” aspect of sports than the “competitive” aspect.  Which is fine.  Cause if you do the numbers, there can only be one champion, but any team can be really funny.  Smart move, Beavers

Stanford – Cardinal

(Full disclosure: As I write this, I’m watching Stanford beat USC at our homecoming 41-21 with 10:36 left in the game.  I will do my best to remain objective in my analysis of their nickname, the Cardinal.) Fuck Stanford.  Every year they suck for the first 7 games, then squeak out one shitbag victory over some ranked team.  Jim Harbaugh, their coach, has a stupid haircut.  They have a white running back. Further proving they have no idea what they are doing as an athletic institution, their mascot is a tree.  Cardinal is a pine tree or some shit. The only acceptable flora-based mascot would be the Fightin’ Bonsais, and only if their logo trees featured slavering, fang-riddled jaws (their ferocity would more than compensate for their tiny stature, you see).

UCLA – Bruins

“Bruin” is one of those words that really only exists in the lexicon of sports mascots.  I looked up the definition of “bruin” and I got: “a name for any bear in fable and folklore”.  A good rule of thumb:  when naming your sports team, try to avoid whimsy. It doesn’t work.  When I think of a Bruin, I think of a bear, all right, but a different kind of bear.  The bear I’m thinking of is named Bruce and wears denim shirts.

The logo indicates that this isn’t the type of bear that would take your face off, but rather lecture you on the prevention of forest fires. The possibilities of awesomeness in mascot selection abound.  Why compromise for something less than pants-shittingly scary if choosing a bear?

USC – Trojans

Pretty strong.  The warriors of Troy not only provide a menacing mental image, but sets the stage for myriad “Iliad” lore to be incorporated into the USC athletic landscape.  Overall, a great image behind which a school can stand.  And OJ went there, which proves that even almost 30 years after graduation, we are still skilled in weaponry and scary as fuck.

However, all the imagery and reputation in the world means nothing when we roll over like three-dollar whores to fucking Stanford.  I heard next year we might get to play with swords.  For the rest of the week, this is our mascot:

Washington – Huskies

Pros: Geographically appropriate.  Menacing.  Live mascot easy to obtain following Iditarod season.

Cons: Makes me think of fat kids.  Logo looks more like the spirit of a husky from a Disney movie than an actual animal.

Washington State – Cougars

As an animal, the cougar is ferocious and scary.  As a sexually-charged middle-aged woman, the cougar is even more so.  Washington State actually got a boost from this hot, wet element of the current zeitgeist.  A nice counterbalance to Washington’s mascot.  If a Cougar throws down with a Husky, you better believe I’m watching.

Next time: I break down the Big Ten.  Inedible nuts, well-trained craftsmen, Punxsutawney Phil, and other images that send our hearts aflutter.