by penn collins

Think your life is just like a movie? It’s not. But playing these songs will get you one step closer to making your life appear less weird and more accessible to anyone on the outside looking in:

What’s that? You’re playful, have a quirky job that you find satisfying, and ride your bike up a San Francisco hill to your townhouse (with roommates!)?  You should never allow “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind to stop playing during your working hours.

Did you just shoot heroin?  Are you in a room lit with a blueish tint?  Are you a girl with troubles?  Are you driving your car at night while it is snowing?  Do you hold the back of your neck with your hand whenever things get intense?  If you answered “yes” and aren’t listening to Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You,” then you’re not making the most of your angst/weirdness.

Did she finally come around?  Did you just make the leap from pathetic friend/stalker to lover/confidant/dream-girl-maker-outer?  Before you go in for that first kiss (preferably in an airport, office lobby, baseball stadium concourse) you’re going to want to take out your iPod, put one headphone in her ear, put one in yours, and crank “Slide” by the Goo Goo Dolls.  It will be everything you need to be complete.

Are you an affected rich kid?  Is high school too “heavy”? At 15, have you lost your soulmate? Did Dylan just return? If so, you should have “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain playing for that very special episode or moment in your life.

Did Wednesday sneak up on you this week?  Then you should probably listen to “Tuesday’s Gone” by Lynyrd Skynyrd while you hold a picture by your chest.

Are you Etta James falling in love late in life?  If you are, you should listen to “At Last” by you.  You wrote the song about that very topic, so it stands to reason that you would want to listen to it when it finally happens.  Come on, Etta, that one should have been a no-brainer!

Did a triceratops just give birth? In that instance, anything by Dinosaur Jr. is appropriate.

Does your lantern need a theme song? Try any one of the catchy songs by Gaslight Anthem!

Making love to a sanitation worker? Try an album by “Garbage”!

Are you entertaining the control group in a pharmaceutical study?  Play something by Placebo and see if they get the hint!

If you’re throwing a dinner party and Dan Ackroyd, Ernie Hudson, Bill Murray and Harold Ramis happen to show up, try putting on something by The Dave Matthews Band.  The Dave Matthews Band’s smooth rhythms and funky beats will keep the party going until well after coffee is served.

If you’re drinking a milkshake or smoothie that seems to be impossibly thick or is paired with a straw that’s just too small, try listening to the Supersuckers for the motivation you need.

If you’re lounging around in the meeting quarters of a Japanese triad, this author suggests you don’t mix signals by playing anything byTokyo Police Club.

Are you hatching a business plan to breed and train hunting dogs?  While brainstorming, you should probably pop in Bloodhound Gang to get the creative juices flowing.

Do you have “black lips”?  If so, you should hurry to a doctor.  No time for music, as it could be indicative of your tissue turning necrotic.

Are you a derivative slave to popularity?  Try something by Coldplay or U2!

Driving to go treat an unmet group of teenagers with enlarged pituitary glands?  In anticipation, crank They Might be Giants.

Going to meet someone who has fingernails that measure almost a foot long? Why on earth would you hang out with someone like that?  It’s disgusting.